I am totally in favor of helping the less fortunate. There are, however, limits to the insanity some corporations will go to fulfill their “social obligations.”

My old firm wanted to do something for the homeless. An excellent cause and one in which we should invest our time and talents. The Employee Website headlined with:

Hop-a-Thon for the Homeless – Your child can HOP to Help the Homeless – and so can YOU.

This “Thon” would encourage employees and their families to hop on one foot for as long as they could and “sponsors” would then donate money to support the cause – (but not for medical injuries you might receive while hopping on that arthritic knee.)

I envisioned small children – straining to balance on one foot. Their little minds in total panic knowing if they fail to perform to mummy or daddy’s expectations, a Homeless person might not have a blanket this winter and their lack of coordination will be noted on the parent’s mid-year performance review.

I had some of my own thoughts about this! (Did you think I wouldn’t?) Some other charitable functions we could hold:

Burp-a-Thon for Black Bears – with generous donations of Mountain Dew and Dr Pepper senior citizens will attempt to inflate a hot air balloon in thirty minutes simply by lifting their heads skyward and opening their mouths. Proceeds will go toward outfitting caves with cushioned lineolum allowing for a more restful hibernation producing a more luxurious fur – this fur has become so appealing on bearskin rugs that members of PETA have purchased them under aliases.

Twirl -a-Thon for Illegals aka Undocumented Persons – Liberal Senators will volunteer to be raised and twirled above the head of anyone that can hoist dead weight. Ex Senator Weiner is expected to bring in the most dollars in this effort. Donations will be used to provide free, comfortable and color coordinated condo spaces in Potomac Plaza for illegal aliens, their extended families and corrupt political representatives.

Step-a-Thon for Stilettos – a continually overlooked organization in great need of donations. Male and female participants engage in double-step polka routines while wearing six-inch stilettos. Donations are used to correct “dropped-jaw syndrome.” This painful condition presents in onlookers when a tall, leggy woman wearing stilettos, a silk thong and a prayer passes an individual without prior notice. Oft times a snapped neck muscle will appear causing both jaw and neck pain necessitating immediate medical attention that is not covered by insurance.

I could go on but, really, … just my thoughts


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