The 12 Days of Christmas




First, my wishes that each of you has had a Merry Christmas. My hopes that you are all satiated and have fished out the excess tinsel from your hair and teeth.  I thought I’d celebrate the 12 Days of Christmas with an except from my Christmas Chronicles in The Butter Pecan Diaries. I have no doubt you will be able to substitute your own family members’ names into any of the stories.

During the holidays I always disliked getting yearly “summations” of people’s lives. Not that I don’t want to hear from them, but they generally finish their tomes in such a depressed state that I overdose on butter pecan ice cream.

The first sentence of their holiday note starts with: “It has not been a good year. My wife had three surgeries, my son was in a skiing accident, I lost my job…” and ends with a jolly, “ya’ll have a wonderful holiday season.”

The sender will only commit to one sheet of paper and therefore prints his tome in 8pt type which looks like ground pepper on a green and red poinsettia-laden background. You end up reading the first sentence, skim down the page and finish with a long sigh.

I decided to follow suit by sending holiday letters. My therapist felt it would be more relaxing than basket weaving and a lot healthier than Level 1 narcotics. I felt my sending these tomes was payback for the years of death and destruction dropped upon me by my “friends.”

Please enjoy our family chaos.

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