Merry * Happy * Spring

It was a dark and stormy night ­– okay, fine – it was cool, bright and cheery. If you are gonna mince words stop reading now.

I obviously missed my yearly Christmas Letter and Winter Solstice Update and have decided a “Welcome Spring/Let’s Celebrate 1st Quarter/Late New Year Note” is what I can handle at the moment. It was so good to celebrate the end of another year in my perennial search for competent health care, honest auto mechanics and skilled service personnel – in any industry, am not picky.

At least I’m not writing from the Danforth State Hospital – on the other hand – can you be sure? Really, they promised my November release was permanent this time.

Yup, yup, yup we ended the year and started anew with – Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, Ramadan, Winter Solstice, Boxing Day, Epiphany, St. Lucia Day, and my particular favorite Penguin Awareness Day celebrated on January 20th. Whichever you celebrate(d) hope it was good, you received lots of presents, and a major gain in your 401(k).

Thankfully, we have another dozen or so years until the next Mayan Long Count Calendar Doomsday Prophecy declares the total collapse of humanity. This prophecy warns we will be hit by an asteroid of such monumental proportions our tiny earth bottoms will explode into dust particles. Just my destiny – I could be Bronx dandruff on the rings of Saturn. Earth would be obliterated and life come to a screeching end – all because the Mayans got writer’s cramp and didn’t finish the calendar – how can we be sure it isn’t a big joke by some Medicine Man with a warped sense of humor or one too many puffs on magic leaves?

Work with me – I took a hard look at my Outlook calendar – if Microsoft & Bill Gates say the calendar is going till 2060 – bank on it.

To catch you up on my holidays, Christmas was nice and company arrived. Peggy & Jimmy arrived two days prior to New Years; Sam and Casey followed. I love company because I like to feed them – I love to cook – I yearn for visitor’s hips to rival my Rubenesque form. I was thinking lasagna, stuffed manicotti, turkey and dressing, cheesecake. Then I found out: Peggy was on Weight Watchers, Jimmy didn’t like onions, Samantha was diagnosed with a severe allergy to wheat, rye and barley and Casey was a Vegan.

 My menu choices spiraled downward. I stocked up on: skim milk, soy milk, 2% milk, yogurt butter, spray butter (it is approved by FDA), cucumbers, spinach, yogurt with live cultures, yogurt with semi-something cultures, spelt bread (yes, spelt) and anything raw in the veggie case. On the plus side of the universe I only required a case of wine and my faithful butter pecan ice cream (am such an easy read!)

I queried the Food Network on creative, tasteful and appropriate menus – broiled placemats, filet of substance found on road, crème de la (oh, I can’t share that one.) My heart pounded for three days trying to determine acceptable food group menus – I did an Excel spreadsheet – I purchased every bit of fresh fruit in my zip code, horded seltzer, bottled water and organic juice. I made fresh vinaigrettes, salads, and salsa.

 I made two kinds of stew – one veggie and one with beef but no gravy thickener or onions. I had rolls at one end of the table and spelt bread at the other, real butter, yogurt butter, spray butter, juice, milk, water, seltzer, beer, wine, soda, coffee, tea (hot and cold.) I did dishes non-stop and ran out of pans to cook in (and I have a lot of cookware.)

 All went off without a major hitch, bellies were filled and by New Year’s Eve all had gone to their respective homes and Jerry and I were left with a major decision – watch the ball drop or go to bed. Bed won out – I am getting old.

 …just my thoughts

 

4 thoughts on “Merry * Happy * Spring

  1. You stick with your wine and better pecan and save me a martini with home made blue cheese stuffed olives! Love ya!

  2. It would seem to me that your gift for whimsy has not evaporated into darkness and red demon eyes glaring from the crack in the closet door, as I so thought. You still have the gift of humor, and your sarcasm is as strong as ever, much to my delight. I don’t think it would be possible for me to ever overdose on your brand of sarcastic wit. I just love it.

    What you see through your eyes, and the way in which you see it, is what makes you such a stellar writer. You take something ordinary, bordering on mundane, and make it exciting to read. And to be able to switch hit like you do, from darkness to light, is all the more impressive. It’s what makes me admire you as a writer. You know how to masturbate words for maximum climax (if you will pardon the vulgarity of my self-created verb).

    Relying on nothing but your sarcastic wit, you managed to paint a vivid dinner scene, with minimal description, and manipulated my imagination enough to fill in the blanks and create the scene and the people in my head. And kudos for surviving what sounds like a Martha Stewart nightmare.

    You are fast becoming one of my favorite authors. Be it darkness or light, philosophy or whimsy, your words are a symphony, and I thoroughly enjoy anything you put to ink.

    “I queried the Food Network on creative, tasteful and appropriate menus – broiled placemats, filet of substance found on road, crème de la (oh, I can’t share that one.) My heart pounded for three days trying to determine acceptable food group menus – I did an Excel spreadsheet – I purchased every bit of fresh fruit in my zip code, horded seltzer, bottled water and organic juice. I made fresh vinaigrettes, salads, and salsa.”

    just brilliant 🙂

    Absolutely loved this.

    Don’t stop writing. Ever.

    1. As Stephen King noted – humor is simply horror with its makeup on….. appreciate you reading and commenting – hope you like the next one….. “Vanilla Smoothie – My Dimpled Ass”

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